Talking Clock

After closing time at the bar, a drunk was proudly showing off his new apartment to a couple of his friends.  He led the way to his bedroom where there was a big brass gong and a mallet.

"What's up with the big brass gong?" one of his guests asked.
 "It's not a gong.  It's a talking clock," the drunk replied.
 "A talking clock?  Seriously?" asked his astonished friend.
 "Yup," replied the drunk.
"It can't be a talking clock. How's it work?" the friend asked, squinting at it.
"Watch," the drunk replied.  He picked up the mallet, gave the gong an ear-shattering pound and stepped back.

The clock went: BONG-YONG-YONG-YONG-YONG-YONG-BONG !!!
The three stood looking at one another for a moment.

Suddenly someone on the other side of the wall screamed ....
"You a**hole!   It's three-fifteen in the morning!"

A typical husband-wife joke

(Nothing special about it, just a nudge to revive the blog (only so
that it can die again :D))

Doctor: Your husband needs rest and peace. Here are some sleeping pills.
Wife: When must I give them to him?
Doctor: They are for you

Rank 8: Computer Industry Acronyms

(The freaking thing is : ALL of those are soo darnnnn trueee!!! )

CD-ROM: Consumer Device, Rendered Obsolete in Months
PCMCIA: People Can't Memorize Computer Industry Acronyms
ISDN: It Still Does Nothing
SCSI: System Can't See It
MIPS: Meaningless Indication of Processor Speed
DOS: Defunct Operating System
WINDOWS: Will Install Needless Data On Whole System
OS/2: Obsolete Soon, Too
PnP: Plug and Pray
APPLE: Arrogance Produces Profit-Losing Entity
IBM: I Blame Microsoft
MICROSOFT: Most Intelligent Customers Realize Our Software Only Fools Teenagers
COBOL: Completely Obsolete Business Oriented Language
LISP: Lots of Insipid and Stupid Parentheses
MACINTOSH: Most Applications Crash; If Not, The Operating System Hangs
AAAAA: American Association Against Acronym Abuse.
WYSIWYMGIYRRLAAGW: What You See Is What You Might Get If You're Really Really Lucky And All Goes Well.

Dilbert's oneliner's (Rank : 9)

(I got this collection from here. Some of them are pretty common. But, its always good to be reminded of a nice one-liner. Brings a smile to your face)

1. I say no to alcohol, it just doesn’t listen.

2. A friend in need is a pest indeed.

3. Marriage is one of the chief causes of divorce.

4. Work is fine if it doesn’t take too much of your time.

5. When everything comes in your way you’re in the wrong lane.

6. The light at the end of the tunnel may be an incoming train..

7. Born free, taxed to death.

8. Everyone has a photographic memory, some just don’t have film.

9. Life is unsure; always eat your dessert first.

10. Smile, it makes people wonder what you are thinking. J

11. If you keep your feet firmly on the ground, you’ll have trouble
putting on your pants.

12. It’s not hard to meet expenses, they are everywhere.

13. I love being a writer… what I can’t stand is the paperwork.

14. A printer consists of 3 main parts: the case, the jammed paper
tray and the blinking red light.

15. The guy who invented the first wheel was an idiot. The guy who
invented the other three, he was the genius.

16. The trouble with being punctual is that no one is there to appreciate it. J

17. In a country of free speech, why are there phone bills?

18. If you cannot change your mind, are you sure you have one?

19. Beat the 5 O’clock rush, leave work at noon!

20. If you can’t convince them, confuse them. J J

21. It’s not the fall that kills you. It’s the sudden stop at the end.

22. I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

23. Hot glass looks same as cold glass. – Cunino’s Law of Burnt Fingers

24. The cigarette does the smoking you are just the sucker. J

25. Someday is not a day of the week

26. Whenever I find the key to success, someone changes the lock.

27. To Err is human, to forgive is not a Company policy.

28. The road to success…. Is always under construction.

29. Alcohol doesn’t solve any problems, but if you think again,
neither does Milk.

30. In order to get a Loan, you first need to prove that you don’t need it.

31. All the desirable things in life are either illegal, expensive,
fattening or in love with someone else

I can't even think of a suitable title!

Now presenting .... World's most hilarious video ==> Click
Balls to those Hollywood guys... can you beat this?

(Thanks to Abhijit for the awesome link to the awesome video!)

Rank: 8 (Attitude matters)

Bill Clinton, Boris Yeltsin, and Bill Gates were called in by God. God informed them that he was very unhappy about what was going on in this world. Since things were so bad, he told the three that he was destroying the Earth in 3 days. They were all allowed to return to their homes and businesses, and tell their friends and colleagues what was happening. God did tell them though, that no matter what they did he was "not" changing his mind. So, . .

Bill Clinton went in and told his staff, "I have good news and bad news for you. First the good news . . . there "is" a God. The bad news is that he is destroying the Earth in 3 days."

Boris Yeltsin went back and told his staff, "I have bad news and more bad news. The first was . . . there "is" a God. The second was that he is destroying the Earth in 3 days."

Bill Gates went back and told his staff, "I have good news and more good news. First . . . God thinks I am one of the three most important people in the world. Second . . . you don't have to fix the bugs in Windows Vista.

Rank 8 : (Panda PJ)

A Panda walks into a bar, sits down at a table and orders a beer and a double cheeseburger. After he is finished eating, he pulls out a gun and rips the place with gunfire. Patrons scatter and dive under chairs and tables as the bear runs out the door. After ensuring that no one is hurt, the bartender races out the door, and calls after the bear: "What the hell did you do that for?" The bear calls back, "I'm a Panda. Look it up in the dictionary."

The bartender returns, pulls out his dictionary.

panda: \Pan"da\, n. (Zo["o]l.)
A small Asiatic mammal (Ailurus fulgens) having fine soft fur. It is related to the bears, and inhabits the mountains of Northern India. Eats shoots and leaves.

Rank 8 : (Czech)

A Czechoslovakian man felt his eyesight was growing steadily worse, and felt it was time to go see an optometrist.

The doctor started with some simple testing, and showed him a standard eye chart with letters of diminishing size: CRKBNWXSKZY...

"Can you read this?" the doctor asked.

"Read it?" the Czech answered. "Doc, I know him!"

Rank : 8 (Gunpowder........)

A cowboy told his grandson the secret to a long life.

He said, "You gotta sprinkle a little gunpowder on your oatmeal, see. If you do, you'll live to a nice ripe old age."

So the cowboy did this religiously every day, and sure enough, lived to the nice ripe old age of 96.

When he died he left behind 4 children, 8 grandchildren, 15 great-grandchildren

...and a 16 foot hole in the wall of the crematorium.

Rank: 7 (Choices....)

Wife : Do you want dinner?
Husband : Sure, what are my choices?
Wife : Yes and no.

Rank: 9 (the thing about superstitions)

1st thief : Oh ! The police is here. Quick! Jump out of the window!
2nd thief : But this is the 13th floor.
1st thief : Hurry! this is no time for superstitions.

Rank : 8 (English around the world)

Here are some signs and notices written in English that were discovered throughout the world. You have to give the writers an 'E' for Effort.

.

In a Tokyo Hotel: Is forbidden to steal hotel towels please. If you are not a person to do such thing is please not to read notis.

In a Bucharest hotel lobby: The lift is being fixed for the next day. During that time we regret that you will be unbearable.

In a hotel in Athens: Visitors are expected to complain at the office between the hours of 9 and 11 A.M. daily.

In a Yugoslavian hotel: The flattening of underwear with pleasure is the job of the chambermaid.

In a Japanese hotel: You are invited to take advantage of the chambermaid.

In the lobby of a Moscow hotel across from a Russian Orthodox monastery: You are welcome to visit the cemetery where famous Russian and Soviet composers, artists, and writers are buried daily except Thursday.

Outside a Hong Kong tailor shop: Ladies may have a fit upstairs.

In a Bangkok dry cleaner's: Drop your trousers here for best results.

A sign posted in Germany's Black forest: It is strictly forbidden on our black forest camping site that people of different sex, for instance, men and women, live together in one tent unless they are married with each other for that purpose.

In a Zurich hotel: Because of the impropriety of entertaining guests of the opposite sex in the bedroom, it is suggested that the lobby be used for this purpose.

In an advertisement by a Hong Kong dentist: Teeth extracted by the latest Methodists.

In a Rome laundry: Ladies, leave your clothes here and spend the afternoon having a good time.

In a Czechoslovakian tourist agency: Take one of our horse-driven city tours - we guarantee no miscarriages.

Advertisement for donkey rides in Thailand: Would you like to ride on your own ass?

In a Bangkok temple: It is forbidden to enter a woman even a foreigner if dressed as a man.

In a Tokyo bar: Special cocktails for the ladies with nuts.

In a Norwegian cocktail lounge: Ladies are requested not to have children in the bar.

In a Budapest zoo: Please do not feed the animals. If you have any suitable food, give it to the guard on duty.

In the office of a Roman doctor: Specialist in women and other diseases.

In an Acapulco hotel: The manager has personally passed all the water served here.

From a Japanese information booklet about using a hotel air conditioner:

Cooles and Heates: If you want just condition of warm in your room, please control yourself..

Rank-less Breakup Mail generator

Now this is the most hilarious piece of software i have seen...
Auto-generating break-up mails is what i was looking for.. u know, its fast to automate all jobs u do frequently :D:P

check here
too good !!

My Rank : 10 (VRS posedis TOILET !!)

just amazing.. worth a watch !!

My Rank : 10 (The Sheep :D:D)

Clem pulled over the car by the side of the road and showed Jed where he'd first had sex.

"It was right down there by that tree. I remember the day plainly. It was a warm summer day. She and I were so much in love. We walked down to the tree and made love for hours," Clem recalled.

"That sounds wonderful," said Jed.

"Yes. It was okay until I looked up and noticed her mother was standing right there watching us."

"Oh my God! What did her mother say when she saw you making love to her daughter?"

"Baaaaa..."

My Rank : 10 (Chinese proverbs... just rocks!!)

CHINESE PROVERBS

* ~ * ~ * ~* ~ * ~ * ~* ~ * ~ * ~*

Virginity like bubble, one prick, all gone.
* ~ *~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~* ~ *~ * ~*
Man who run in front of car get tyred.
* ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ *~ * ~* ~ *~ * ~*
Man who run behind car get exhausted.
*~ * ~* ~ *~ * ~* ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ *
Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day.

* ~ * ~ *~ * ~* ~ *~ * ~* ~ *~ *

Foolish man give wife grand piano, wise man give wife upright organ.
*~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~* ~ *~ * ~* ~ *
Man who walk through airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok.
*~ * ~* ~* ~ * ~ * ~ *~ * ~* ~ *
Man with one chopstick go hungry.
* ~ * ~* ~ * ~ * ~* ~ * ~ * ~* ~ *
Man who scratch ass should not bite fingernails.
*~ * ~ * ~ *~ * ~ * ~ *~ * ~ * ~ *
Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.
* ~* ~ *~ * ~* ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ *~ *
Baseball is wrong: man with four balls cannot walk.
* ~ *~ * ~ * ~ *~ * ~ * ~ *~ * ~ *
Panties not best thing on earth! but next to best thing on earth.
* ~ * ~ * ~* ~ * ~ * ~* ~ * ~ * ~*
War does not determine who is right, war determine who is left.
* ~ *~ * ~ * ~ *~ * ~ * ~ *~ * ~ *
Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cat house.
* ~ * ~ * ~* ~ * ~ * ~* ~ * ~ * ~*
Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.
*~ * ~* ~ *~ * ~* ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ *
It take many nails to build crib, but one screw to fill it.
*~ * ~* ~ *~ * ~* ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ *
Man who drive like hell, bound to get there.
* ~ * ~ *~ * ~* ~ *~ * ~* ~ *~ *
Man who stand on toilet is high on pot.
* ~ *~ * ~ * ~ *~ * ~ * ~ *~ * ~ *
Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement.
* ~ * ~ * ~* ~ *~ * ~* ~ *~ * ~*
Man who fish in other man's well often catch crabs.

* ~ * ~* ~ *~ * ~* ~ *~ * ~* ~ *

Man who fart in church sit in own pew.
* ~* ~ *~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~* ~ *~ *
Crowded elevator smell different to midget.

My rank : 7 (PJss)

Banta: Y do u take ur wife only to night clubs?
Santa: By the time she gets ready no other place is open
~~

Museum Administrator: That's a 500 year old statue u've broken.
Banta: Thanks God! I thought it was a new one.
~~

Banta: I've discovered the origin of the word Good-Bye
Santa: Oh, yeah? What's it?
Banta: Many years ago, some husband said to his wife, 'I'm leaving u!' & the wife said: Good! Bye!
~~

At the scene of an accident a man was crying: O God! I hv lst my hand, oh!
Santa: Control urself. Don't cry. See that man. He has lost his head. Is he crying?
~~

Banta: U looked troubled, what's ur prob?
Santa: I'm going to b a father
Banta: But, that's wonderful Santa: What's wonderful! My wife doesn't know about it yet......
~~

My rank : 10 (the bessssst)

There were three couples, one elderly, one middle aged, and one newlywed, that wanted to join a church. So the minister tells them that in order to be members they must abstain from sex for two whole weeks. After two weeks, the minister asks the elderly couple if they had abstained.

"Yes, no problem!" So the minister welcomes them to the church. Then he asks the middle aged couple the same question

"Well, after one week, the husband had to sleep on the couch, but we made it!" So the minister welcomes them to the church. Then the minister asks the newlywed couple if they had abstained from sex for two weeks.

"We were unable to abstain. On the third day, my wife dropped a can of corn and when she bent over to pick it up, LUST and PASSION overcame me!"

"I'm sorry," the minister says, "but you are both banned from this church!"

"That's okay," says the husband, "We were banned from the supermarket, too."

My rank : 7 (e and pi)

Top ln(e^10) reasons why e is better than pi

10) e is easier to spell than pi.
9) pi ~= 3.14 while e ~=2.718281828459045.
8) The character for e can be found on a keyboard, but pi sure can't.
7) Everybody fights for their piece of the pie.
6) ln(pi^1) is a really nasty number, but ln(e^1) = 1.
5) e is used in calculus while pi is used in baby geometry.
4) 'e' is the most commonly picked vowel in Wheel of Fortune.
3) e stands for Euler's Number, pi doesn't stand for squat.
2) You don't need to know Greek to be able to use e.
1) You can't confuse e with a food product.

My rank : 9 (2 guys at a bar !)

Two guys are sitting on a bar stool. One starts to insult the other one. He screams, “I slept with your mother!” The bar gets quiet as everyone listens to see what the other weasel will do. The first again yells, “I SLEPT WITH YOUR MOTHER!”

The other says, “Go home dad, you’re drunk.”