Wednesday, March 14, 2007
The senior partner replied in haste: "Appeal immediately."
The professor of a contract law class asked one of his better students, "If you were to give someone an orange, how would you go about it?"
The student replied, "Here's an orange."
The professor was outraged. "No! No! Think like a lawyer!"
The student then replied, "Okay. I'd tell him `I hereby give and convey to you all and singular, my estate and interests, rights, claim, title, claim and advantages of and in, said orange, together with all its rind, juice, pulp, and seeds, and all rights and advantages with full power to bite, cut, freeze and otherwise eat, the same, or give the same away with and without the pulp, juice, rind and seeds, anything herein before or hereinafter or in any deed, or deeds, instruments of whatever nature or kind whatsoever to the contrary in anywise notwithstanding...'"
Tuesday, March 13, 2007
If you can touch it and you can see it, it's REAL.
If you can touch it but you can't see it, it's TRANSPARENT.
If you can't touch it but you can see it, it's VIRTUAL.
If you can't touch it and you can't see it, it's GONE.
In C we had to code our own bugs. In C++ we can inherit them.
C gives you enough rope to hang yourself. C++ also gives you the tree object to tie it to.
With C you can shoot yourself in the leg. With C++ you can reuse the bullet.
Unix is user friendly. It's just very particular about who it's friends are.
Every program is either trivial or it contains at least one bug.
If builders built buildings the way programmers write programs, then the first woodpecker to come along would destroy civilization.
Monday, March 12, 2007
The lawyer mulled this over for a moment and replied, "First, did your research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness, and has medical bills that are several times her annual income?" Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbled, "Um ... No."
"Second, that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheel chair?" The stricken United Way rep began to stammer out an apology, but was cut off.
"Third, that my sister's husband died in a traffic accident," the lawyer's voice rising in indignation, "leaving her penniless with three children?!" The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, said simply, "I had no idea ..."
On a roll, the lawyer cut him off once again, "... And I don't give any money to them, so why should I give any to you?!?"
Sunday, March 11, 2007
1. Chuck Norris doesn't read books, he simply stares the book down till he gets the information he wants.
2. Chuck Norris was the first one to Mars, that's why there are no signs of life.
3. Chuck Norris counted to infinity. Twice.
4. If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris, you may be only
seconds away from death.
5. Why did the chicken cross the road? It was trying to run away from Chuck Norris.
6. Although it is not common knowledge, there are actually three sides to the Force: the light side, the dark side, and Chuck Norris
7. Franklin D. Roosevelt once said "There is nothing to fear but fear itself ... and Chuck Norris"
8. Chuck Norris owns the greatest poker face of all-time. It helped him win the 1983 world series of poker despite him holding just a joker, a 2 of clubs, a 7 of spades, and a green number 4 from Uno and a monopoly 'get out of jail free' card.
9. Chuck Norris does not use spell check. If he happens to misspell a word, Oxford will simply change the actual spelling of it.
10. There are no disabled people. Only people who have met Chuck Norris.
11. Chuck Norris sleeps with a night light ... not because he’s afraid of the dark, but the dark is afraid of Chuck Norris.
12. Chuck Norris invented the spoon only to the fact that killing somebody with a knife is too easy.
13. God said let there be light and Chuck Norris said "Say Please".
14. Chuck Norris doesn't do push ups, he pushes the earth down.
15. Before science was invented it was once believed that autumn occurred when Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked every tree in existence.
16. Chuck Norris doesn't believe in God, but God believes in Chuck Norris.
17. Scientists in Washington have recently conceded that, if there were a nuclear war, all that would remain are cockroaches and Chuck Norris.
18. Chuck Norris doesn't check his closet for the boogeyman.
The boogeyman checks his closet for Chuck Norris.
19. In church, a pastor was leading the house in prayer. He said, "God, please protect your believers, and deliver us from sin." Chuck Norris stood up and said, "What have you done for me lately?"
20. When Bruce Banner gets mad, he turns into the Hulk. When the Hulk gets mad, he turns into Chuck Norris.
21. The Titanic didn't hit an iceberg, it got roundhouse kicked by Chuck Norris.
22. Why did President Truman drop the first atomic bomb?
Because he thought it would be more humane than sending in Chuck Norris.
23. If you want a list of Chuck Norris' enemies, just check the extinct species list.
24. The sun sets from fear of Chuck Norris.
1. They replicate quickly. ... Okay, Windows does that.
2. Viruses use up valuable system resources, slowing down the system as they do so. ... Okay, Windows does that.
3. Viruses will, from time to time, trash your hard disk. ... Okay, Windows does that too.
4. Viruses are usually carried, unknown to the user, along with valuable programs and systems. ... Sigh.. Windows does that, too.
5. Viruses will occasionally make the user suspect their system is too slow (see 2) and the user will buy new hardware. ... Yup, Windows does that, too.
Until now it seems Windows is a virus but there are fundamental differences: Viruses are well supported by their authors, are running on most systems, their program code is fast, compact and efficient and they tend to become more sophisticated as they mature.
So Windows is not a virus. ... It's a bug.
GIRL : May I hold your hand?
BOY : No thanks, it isn't heavy.
GIRL : Say you love me! Say you love me!
BOY : You love me...
GIRL : If we become engaged will you give me a ring??
BOY : Sure, what's your phone number??
GIRL : I think the poorest people are the happiest.
BOY : Then marry me and we'll be the happiest couple
GIRL : Darling, I want to dance like this forever.
BOY : Don't you ever want to improve??
BOY : I love you and I could die for you!
GIRL : How soon??
BOY : I would go to the end of the world for you!
GIRL : Yes, but would you stay there??
BOY : Have you ever had a hot passionate, burning
GIRL : I did once. He'd forgotten to take the
cigarette out of his mouth.
MAN : You remind me of the sea.
WOMAN : Because I'm wild, romantic and exciting?
MAN : NO, because you make me sick.
WIFE : You tell a man something, it goes in one ear
and comes out of the other.
HUSBAND : You tell a woman
1. I accidentally divided by zero and my paper burst into flames.
2. Isaac Newton's birthday.
3. I could only get arbitrarily close to my textbook. I couldn't actually reach it.
4. I have the proof, but there isn't room to write it in this margin.
5. I was watching the World Series and got tied up trying to prove that it converged.
6. I have a solar powered calculator and it was cloudy.
7. I locked the paper in my trunk but a four-dimensional dog got in and ate it.
8. I couldn't figure out whether i am the square of negative one or i is the square root of negative one.
9. I took time out to snack on a doughnut and a cup of coffee. I spent the rest of the night trying to figure which one to dunk.
10. I could have sworn I put the homework inside a Klein bottle, but this morning I couldn't find it.